notes on friendship pt. ii (its an obsession as this point)

As a get older, I’m realizing that while many things change, so many things stay the same. There are experiences, interests, tastes, feelings and the like that I had as a child and never took the time to stop and marinate on, and never really gave them much weight, I was just in the moment and moving onto the next. In retrospect though, years down the line, I have enough evidence that when I introspect, I can say to myself, “this is something you are really into,” or “you do this a lot.” It’s like I’m my own case study. Through blogging as well I discover even more. One of those things that I think I’ve definitely noticed I have an affinity for and think about all the time is friendship.

I talk about it, think about it, dream about it incessantly. I guess its probably because as a human, we often get to know ourselves through the lens of who we are in relationships, and overarchingly how we react or act in certain scenarios. Who we are in solitude is in essence the makeup of our true self, yet, just like any type of matter, with no stimuli we can not really be properly defined. Its only through ones reactive properties or when making contact with other things, repeatedly, can one definitively describe anything. I read something recently by Ash Alves along those lines called People Are Mirrors to Ourselves.

But today I’m on something else. Something that came to me when I was up trying to find my sleepiness, was the idea that the key to being welcomed into whatever circle you want to enter, is a certain level attractiveness. Attractive is a very abstract word because it literally means, “(of a thing) pleasing or appealing to the senses,” and “(of a thing) having beneficial qualities or features that induce someone to accept what is being offered,” according to Oxford Languages Dictionary. Being attractive is not to be confused with beauty, prettiness or even charisma. Those or that which you are attracting literally have to personally feel pleased or that something about you is beneficial enough to be drawn to you. Therefore someone general known as attractive, is one to whom most people gravitate towards.

I often wonder – what is the it factor? What is that X quality? In different people who I personally would describe as attractive based on their ability to draw or be pursued by crowds, even platonically, I can pinpoint differing things or combinations of things but i can’t really put my finger on, or define what the overarching quality is? I’ve spent many years almost like a mental mad scientist, trying to crack the formula of what will make people draw to me, what will make them stay, what will make them think of me when they think of who they want to be around most? I’ve run experiments, tried to crack the code, and bottle it to no avail.

But I think more than anything, while there isn’t a code or a formula, there are certain qualities within the formula that are absent most times. I think for me, its not that I don’t have what the next person has, as opposed to the fact that even in another person’s presence, I’m in my head I’m overthinking. I’m scrutinizing, I’m obsessing, I’m monologuing. However that physically manifests itself is probably scary. In addition, with many people that I’m close with, I’m one of the few who is actually insanely terrified and anxious prior to social events that I haven’t planned for and clam up at the thought of it. I’ll beg the person for it to just be us, or my whole mood might change. That could be really inconvenient especially when most enjoy the opportunity to socialize in both larger and smaller scale settings. Variety!

This is really just an exploration, as most of my writing tends to be, but I think I’m just having an existential crisis. Who we are in relation to others is often very different from who we are in our head, who we are alone, and who we are with our family or close friends. Together, all of those things help define us, but we often frame our value and our worth based on what we think others think of us, the success of relationships and unfortunately comparison. There’s a sinful “filter” that cloaks all of our thinking in one shape or form, and just causes us to mentally malfunction and in the end, I find most humans view of themselves is terribly warped in one way or another.

Thats why it helps me to have frequent mental dialogues to put it all in perspective. We are all small specs in the universe, but still of value to our family, our friends, our network, those who consume our art, and ultimately our Creator. There’s always someone out there who your absence would affect adversely.


2 thoughts on “notes on friendship pt. ii (its an obsession as this point)

  1. Yes, regardless of all the overthinking and obsessing we do about friendships and relationships (I have a Master’s degree in overthinking, I assure you LOL), I like the point you ended with: we are of value to people in our lives. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. whew reading this back in the light of day reminds me to save night time blog posts in drafts before publishing! Thank you for making it through such a bumpy read!

      And yes, overthinking is going to drive us all mad! But its better than not thinking at all lol.

      Liked by 1 person

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